Hey there, it's been a while

I know its been a while since my last post.. a long while, but I need to vent.

I'm nineteen and I already have commitment issues. I don't know what's wrong with me.
I just know I'm scared to be left again. That's all I know.. people are just REALLY good at leaving me. So, to give myself to another is just a really scary thought.

I'm also the one to get attached, that's why I got hurt in the first place, I forgot how to keep my distance. I opened up, now look where it got me. Someone loves me, or at least is on his way to loving me, but I can't even agree to be his girlfriend. Now, I can't even sleep in my own bed without him. I'm stuck.
Worst part is, I don't think he comprehends my emotional insecurities. But I'm able to play it cool and ignore it long enough not to burst into tears.
He is good to me. For the most part, I love everything he is to me.

He wants to take care of me, have a family with me, just be WITH me. I can't remember the last time someone has invested so much time and effort into me, into an 'us'.

I'm happy. I found love, my TRUE friends, and a newfound appreciation for my family that's so much greater than I every thought possible.

Good things-
He has agreed to help me carry on my last name
He understands why I won't be his girlfriend yet
He is patient, kind, and always there
So many other good qualities.

I'm two months away, lets hope he continues to be patient.

que paso?

I've been slacking. Even though I've had so much on my mind the will to write it all down, well.. has been non existent. So here's what's been going on these past two weeks.

I've been played, a guy I thought I could actually like aside from Albert, well yeah, turns out to be a dick. Should I really be surprised? It's me we're talking about. So, I'm peacing out from that. I don't deserve it. I deserve a guy who's always going to treat me right, now only when its convenient for him.

I've been neglected, the man I adored so much now doesn't even think about me. Like seriously dude, what's up with guys? Since you got your girlfriend you've shown me exactly how prominent I am in your life. I'm out.

I've been pierced. I'm so stoked. Thanks to Lou he kept his promise & paid for my most recent piercing. I'm in love with it.

I've been told I'm beautiful, lately an excessive amount of people, not just guys, have been pointing out my slightly above average level of attractiveness. It's nice to hear, but its not getting me out of this slump.

I've been anxious, in a few short weeks I'm going to see the love of my life, the one I could never have & his most incredible family. I'm so excited, so nervous. Lord help me!!

I've been abandoned. My best friend left to San Jose. Boyfriend is all that matters now.

I've been given hope. Mom now has over two months clean! Go mommy!![:
& sister is now working so things should come easier!

I've been let down. Albert, I was really mistaken with a lot of things. REALLY mistaken. I thought since you knew it was going to happen you would do something to prevent it. You proved to me just how insignificant
I am & how weak you are.

That's all I got for now.
Dude, thug life.

I saw this quote & liked it;

"The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed; the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed."

looking back -- ajrotc

Finally the long awaited AJROTC experience blog.

To be honest, I only started because my boyfriend at the time was in it. I was tired of choir and craved something new. Something different. Somewhere I can actually achieve something and make a name for myself. Freshman year, I saw all the things he got to do, the awards he was bringing home, the friends and connections he made. I then found where I wanted to be.
The start of my sophomore year, I started my LET 1 year, I'll never forget how I changed. Since lord knows when, I've always been another face in the crowd. Nothing of significance. But during basic training I shined. High speed, motivated, not to mention the only female out there. I had to compete against the boys. Jimmy, David, Que, Howard. How I adored them though. Throughout the year we competed throughout the ranks, together, individually. During our time there, we encouraged eachother, developed a sort of companionship you can't find anywhere else. The upperclassmen all saw each of us had our potential. From the beginning I drafted into color guard. I didn't really have an option, the Battalion S-3 didn't really leave any room for rejection. I got into the unarmed drill team and became an assistant to the Battalion S-2, much faith was put in me as a LET 1, I wasn't going to let them down. The first year wasn't as memorable.
The start of my second year I made Battalion S-2, a LET 2, 2LT. Member of the female varsity color guard, unarmed drill team squad leader, platoon leader. We were slowly making changes. LTC Janus left us for brigade, then we got LTC Guzman. He gave our little battalion hope. He helped us so much. The second year was just as significant as the first. Not very significant at all. Until the summer came. Several of the instructors donated their time to help a few schools enjoy a week of summer camp. That was an incredible experience. All I really remember was the JCLC drill champs were none other than Madison's students. Best drilled platoon, FOXTROT. And best drilled individuals Howard and I. The way it should be!
LET 3, Battalion S-3, Major. Unarmed drill team commander, color corporal female varsity color guard, platoon leader. Now, the incredible cadre have come together. These instructors were everything I needed in my life. LTC Guzman, the man who was on my ass everytime I messed up or started slipping. The man who always knew what was up and was never afraid to call you out on it. 1SG Mercado, the big brother you never wanted. I had to spend my extra periods throughout the day helping him with homework, catching up in his JROTC work, trying to keep him sane. He burped like none other. But he always had your back. Then there is CSM Hines. He made everything better, he was that shoulder to lean on, the one with the pep talks and encouraging words. The one you went to after Guzman tore into you. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it weren't for these three incredible men. They change lives. My senior year had to be my toughest year, college applications, working, fixing credits, helping lead a 150+ man battalion. But with the help of these men and some good friends, I made it through and managed to graduate. This year, our squad and platoon placed, best drilled individual was successful, both male and female color guard did well, the armed drill team AND the unarmed drill team placed in both the veterans day competition and brigade competition. I never thought for one second I could change Madison's luck around and with the help of eleven young ladies and Ezequiel, who were ever so dedicated, bring home a trophy for unarmed drill. Proud moment. Now the program is booming, those I trained are now passing on the lessons I taught them, and soon enough they'll be passing them down as well. Who ever thought one person could make a difference.
Someday I'll get my chance to pay the program back. Thank you♥

day 23 - the last person you kissed

We are going to skip days 20-22; they don't interest me.

My last kiss, hrrrmmmm. It probably should have never happened. I kinda liked you, but you're just another jerk. You're not my type anyways.
The kiss before that.. I REALLY liked you. But you proved to be just another asshole who didn't know what you wanted. You were just a lot of sweet talk. Once we got together everything was perfect. Then things went downhill.
Fuck that noise. I'm flying solo.
>=[

notes from sister

To the guy I like:

"You’re tearing my sister apart and you don’t even care. There’s no way that you are THAT oblivious to where you can’t tell when a girl is digging on you. You’re really pissing me off. You’re hurting her. You steal all her time away, just for her to care about you, while you care about everyone else. Your breaking her heart, and I’m NOT okay with this. Open your eyes you blind asshole! My sister is amazing. She has such a genuine heart and she truly cares for you. She’s always there for you regardless of how bad you hurt her and despite how you use her as plan b. She isn’t an emergency contraseptive for you to keep around in case you fuck up or you need help. Fuck. Shdhdhhfb. I hate you, Queerbait. Quit hurting my sister >:("
11/29/10