que paso?

I've been slacking. Even though I've had so much on my mind the will to write it all down, well.. has been non existent. So here's what's been going on these past two weeks.

I've been played, a guy I thought I could actually like aside from Albert, well yeah, turns out to be a dick. Should I really be surprised? It's me we're talking about. So, I'm peacing out from that. I don't deserve it. I deserve a guy who's always going to treat me right, now only when its convenient for him.

I've been neglected, the man I adored so much now doesn't even think about me. Like seriously dude, what's up with guys? Since you got your girlfriend you've shown me exactly how prominent I am in your life. I'm out.

I've been pierced. I'm so stoked. Thanks to Lou he kept his promise & paid for my most recent piercing. I'm in love with it.

I've been told I'm beautiful, lately an excessive amount of people, not just guys, have been pointing out my slightly above average level of attractiveness. It's nice to hear, but its not getting me out of this slump.

I've been anxious, in a few short weeks I'm going to see the love of my life, the one I could never have & his most incredible family. I'm so excited, so nervous. Lord help me!!

I've been abandoned. My best friend left to San Jose. Boyfriend is all that matters now.

I've been given hope. Mom now has over two months clean! Go mommy!![:
& sister is now working so things should come easier!

I've been let down. Albert, I was really mistaken with a lot of things. REALLY mistaken. I thought since you knew it was going to happen you would do something to prevent it. You proved to me just how insignificant
I am & how weak you are.

That's all I got for now.
Dude, thug life.

I saw this quote & liked it;

"The human heart has hidden treasures, in secret kept, in silence sealed; the thoughts, the hopes, the dreams, the pleasures, whose charms were broken if revealed."

looking back -- ajrotc

Finally the long awaited AJROTC experience blog.

To be honest, I only started because my boyfriend at the time was in it. I was tired of choir and craved something new. Something different. Somewhere I can actually achieve something and make a name for myself. Freshman year, I saw all the things he got to do, the awards he was bringing home, the friends and connections he made. I then found where I wanted to be.
The start of my sophomore year, I started my LET 1 year, I'll never forget how I changed. Since lord knows when, I've always been another face in the crowd. Nothing of significance. But during basic training I shined. High speed, motivated, not to mention the only female out there. I had to compete against the boys. Jimmy, David, Que, Howard. How I adored them though. Throughout the year we competed throughout the ranks, together, individually. During our time there, we encouraged eachother, developed a sort of companionship you can't find anywhere else. The upperclassmen all saw each of us had our potential. From the beginning I drafted into color guard. I didn't really have an option, the Battalion S-3 didn't really leave any room for rejection. I got into the unarmed drill team and became an assistant to the Battalion S-2, much faith was put in me as a LET 1, I wasn't going to let them down. The first year wasn't as memorable.
The start of my second year I made Battalion S-2, a LET 2, 2LT. Member of the female varsity color guard, unarmed drill team squad leader, platoon leader. We were slowly making changes. LTC Janus left us for brigade, then we got LTC Guzman. He gave our little battalion hope. He helped us so much. The second year was just as significant as the first. Not very significant at all. Until the summer came. Several of the instructors donated their time to help a few schools enjoy a week of summer camp. That was an incredible experience. All I really remember was the JCLC drill champs were none other than Madison's students. Best drilled platoon, FOXTROT. And best drilled individuals Howard and I. The way it should be!
LET 3, Battalion S-3, Major. Unarmed drill team commander, color corporal female varsity color guard, platoon leader. Now, the incredible cadre have come together. These instructors were everything I needed in my life. LTC Guzman, the man who was on my ass everytime I messed up or started slipping. The man who always knew what was up and was never afraid to call you out on it. 1SG Mercado, the big brother you never wanted. I had to spend my extra periods throughout the day helping him with homework, catching up in his JROTC work, trying to keep him sane. He burped like none other. But he always had your back. Then there is CSM Hines. He made everything better, he was that shoulder to lean on, the one with the pep talks and encouraging words. The one you went to after Guzman tore into you. I wouldn't be the woman I am today if it weren't for these three incredible men. They change lives. My senior year had to be my toughest year, college applications, working, fixing credits, helping lead a 150+ man battalion. But with the help of these men and some good friends, I made it through and managed to graduate. This year, our squad and platoon placed, best drilled individual was successful, both male and female color guard did well, the armed drill team AND the unarmed drill team placed in both the veterans day competition and brigade competition. I never thought for one second I could change Madison's luck around and with the help of eleven young ladies and Ezequiel, who were ever so dedicated, bring home a trophy for unarmed drill. Proud moment. Now the program is booming, those I trained are now passing on the lessons I taught them, and soon enough they'll be passing them down as well. Who ever thought one person could make a difference.
Someday I'll get my chance to pay the program back. Thank you♥

day 23 - the last person you kissed

We are going to skip days 20-22; they don't interest me.

My last kiss, hrrrmmmm. It probably should have never happened. I kinda liked you, but you're just another jerk. You're not my type anyways.
The kiss before that.. I REALLY liked you. But you proved to be just another asshole who didn't know what you wanted. You were just a lot of sweet talk. Once we got together everything was perfect. Then things went downhill.
Fuck that noise. I'm flying solo.
>=[

notes from sister

To the guy I like:

"You’re tearing my sister apart and you don’t even care. There’s no way that you are THAT oblivious to where you can’t tell when a girl is digging on you. You’re really pissing me off. You’re hurting her. You steal all her time away, just for her to care about you, while you care about everyone else. Your breaking her heart, and I’m NOT okay with this. Open your eyes you blind asshole! My sister is amazing. She has such a genuine heart and she truly cares for you. She’s always there for you regardless of how bad you hurt her and despite how you use her as plan b. She isn’t an emergency contraseptive for you to keep around in case you fuck up or you need help. Fuck. Shdhdhhfb. I hate you, Queerbait. Quit hurting my sister >:("
11/29/10

day 19 - someone that pesters your mind / good or bad

I'm pretty sure you saw this one coming.
You pester my mind, harsh ways, good way, but always. I wonder what you think about when you look at me, talk to me. Oh I could fill your ears with what I think about, but in reality, I don't have the nerve to tell you. You said it yourself, if the love of your life just passed by, you wouldn't acknowledge her. Well, what if I'm it..? When we discuss, the next girl, 'she better be good at digging'. Through the heartache, anger, the ash to rekindle the fire that's dulled to nothing but a little ember. But patiently, persistently, I dig little by little, my shovel may not be great, but it does what it can.
Sometimes I wonder if you already found this blog and play stupid about it. You know its there and you know I'm always on Facebook, so I'm pretty sure you've come across it. Maybe you just watch me pour my heart out onto these pages. I know you know how I feel. You can't be that oblivious.
Honestly, I never wanted to meet you. When we first started talking, you thought I was this intriguing, ambitious, beautiful, girl. I was afraid that after you met me in person you wouldn't think the same. I'm just a pretty picture. But I met you anyways, I don't regret it for one second, but I'm sure you've come to find out I'm ambitious, but lost faith; intriguing, but just like most girls; beautiful, but nothing compared to what you see in pictures. But there might be a chance you felt the same way I felt when we first met..
You're so handsome. Like no shit, you're incredibly good looking. Talk, dark, and handsome to the t. 6'5", Mexican and Portuguese, I don't usually go for facial hair, muscular, or gangsters, but you, sir, are the exception.
And I'm sure you notice anytime I back down in a conversation any time you mention how good looking another chick is. Guy talk? That means I'm stuck in the category friend. Maybe I'll be that friend you can't live without, the friend you fall in love with. I want to be with you, I want to help you be better, I want to be better. You make me want to conquer the world.
Maybe someday I won't be your second choice, your plan b, the if all else fails. I sit here on endless nights, listening to your pain, happiness, guy talk, but when you needed someone to help you from feeling so alone, I was the third choice. I played it off, but it hurt so bad. Then last night, you've known and been invited since I decided to have friends come over, but you decided to go with the others. You said you'd stop by 'way before 5', I stayed up until I couldn't any longer and still you didn't show. Not the first time either. But I guess that's what happens when you think you're significant, but turns out you're just somebody willing to text back.

When will I ever learn? Maybe I should just settle for someone who is actually obtainable. I could never get a guy like you.

"And to the rest of the world, god gave you the shoes
That fit you, so put em on and wear em
And be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny,
Don't ever let no one tell you, you ain't beautiful"
Beautiful -- Eminem

day 17 - someone from your childhood / day 18 - someone you wish you could be

Someone from my childhood? Nobody from my childhood has stuck out. I mean, I've had friends, but I could never stay in one spot long enough for someone to make the difference.

---------------------

Who I wish I could be?
I wish I could be happy. Genuinely happy. I couldn't tell you the last moment I was truly happy. There are moments in time where its a true smile, but there's always something there.. eating at me.
Why can't I allow someone to love me? Why can't I love myself? I don't know where my head is at. Or my heart.
I'm lost. Where could I possibly find myself?

quote of the day

"In the end, I've come to believe in something I call "The Physics of the Quest." A force in nature governed by laws as real as the laws of gravity. The rule of Quest Physics goes something like this: If you're brave enough to leave behind everything familiar and comforting, which can be anything from your house to bitter, old resentments, and set out on a truth-seeking journey, either externally or internally, and if you are truly willing to regard everything that happens to you on that journey as a clue and if you accept everyone you meet along the way as a teacher and if you are prepared, most of all, to face and forgive some very difficult realities about yourself, then the truth will not be withheld from you."
Liz Gilbert -- Eat. Pray. Love

day 16 - someone that doesn't live in your state/country

Andrew Lemons

[Silleh Sir Lemons]

"I was in love with you from the first day i met you :)"
Text from 11/21/10

I have loved you every moment since day one. You're the most incredible friend I have ever had. You're my other half, love of my life.

For some reason or another, we could never be together. Breaks my heart.

I love you Sir Lemons.

written works 2

The climbing skyscrapers,
Another story higher,
Another story longer,
The city lights dull the sky,
The sky fades to black,
I'm lost in oblivion.
I'm lost in your eyes.

innerthoughts 4

People are going to get sick of hearing about you by time this is all done..
Well, here's another installment into innerthoughts.
Favorite memories; we haven't spent too much time together but I can name my top 5 moments with you.

5) The first time you called me -
You called because you wanted to hear my insane Hawaiian name. I don't know what it was. I never answer my phone. But I just felt it was right. Your voice is gorgeous. Well, I think so at least.

4) Late night conversations -
We're always talking. Until odd hours of the night. You make me think, laugh, and just happy in general. Sometimes we talk about nothing, others we talk about everything. Talking to you is just so easy.

3) First hug -
The night of Aaron's going away party. It's not the first time I was technically in your arms, you had me in some sort of weird hold at dennys, but nonetheless it sent me through the roof. You're so warm, so strong. Who couldn't fall for you?

2) Drive home -
You rescued me and Melvin from being stuck in Chula Vista. After you took him home, it was my turn. We listened to Breaking Benjamin, both of us knew all the words. Honestly, I knew which one to take, but those extra few moments with you made me so happy. We talked and sang together. Under a perfect moonlit sky. ♥

1) the First time we met -
I wasn't afraid to get in the car with three complete strangers at 11 at night. I knew I'd be safe. Your voice lured me in. I was hooked. When I looked into your eyes I knew you were going to be trouble. Ever since, I can't get enough of you.

Dear Santa, I've been good this year(:

Christmas is coming ♥
& I would like..

Sony Vaio

a big ol' flatscreen

Mitsubishi Lancer Evolution 8 MR

& mah querido♥

day(s) 13-15 - someone you: wish could forgive you; drifted away from; miss the most

Do I really need to say any more?

I'm pretty sure I spilled my heart out ---> here <---

day 12 - someone you hate because they caused you the most pain / song of the moment 3

I don't care anymore. Move on.

---------------

"So tell me now
If this ain't love then how do we get out?
Because I don't know
That's when she said I don't hate you boy
I just want to save you while there's still something left to save
That's when I told her I love you girl
But I'm not the answer for the questions that you still have

1000 miles away
There's nothing left to say
But so much left that I don't know
We never had a choice
This world is too much noise
It takes me under
It takes me under once again
I don't hate you
I don't hate you, no"
Savior - Rise Against

day 11 - a deceased person you wish you could talk to

Jerriline Kuuleialoha Manaole
I remember the happy times we had. I never knew you really well, but boy have I heard stories. How they talk about you. I've never heard of such a great and giving person. They tell me how beautiful, smart, and talented you are.
I would say were, but you still exist. In our hearts, spirits, and mind. I see you everyday when I look at Chrissy. She's so beautiful, smart, funny.
I wish I had a piece of you to hold. But I just hold my heart. That's the only thing I have left of you.

innerthoughts 3

I FREAKING LIKE YOU ♥

It's just, I thought you should probably never know.


That is all.

day 10 - someone you don't talk to as much as you'd like to / 2116

I suppose I can't really specify who I would like to talk to more. There's so many people that I just lacked on keeping in contact with. Maybe one day I'll get better at it.. until then, I'm left wondering.

-------------

The Produce Team 2116, I think yes.

These guys & girls make the day a little easier to get through.
You have guys like Kurt, who're incredibly nice. He is always genuinely interested and starts great conversations. Then there's James. He's always XD'd about the day. Marc, a big ball of crazy. Nataley, she's great to talk to about everything, plus she gives me all the best tips.;p Jessica, Jshizzle, everything is absolutely hilarious. Then there are those guys that are always coming in and out, Coulson and Moss, nice guys. We then come across Hector, the 'godfather of produce' don't say I said that! He has given me more than I deserve, I should really show him how much I appreciate it. I need to work harder..
Finally, there's Hovey. Andrew Hovey I can go to for everything. And I mean EVERYTHING. He's understanding, he kicks my ass when I need it, hardworking, funny, I couldn't ask for a better Ass. Man. Haha.
Thanks for everything guys!<3


I'm totally XD'd about being in this department. I mean it, super XD.

Song of the moment 2

"And to the rest of the world
God gave you shoes to fit you
So put 'em on and wear 'em
Be yourself man, be proud of who you are
Even if it sounds corny
Don't ever let anyone tell you you ain't beautiful"
Beautiful - Eminem

Have my babies.0_____________o

day 9 - someone you'd like to meet

I think I've met everyone I need to meet as of right now.. so we will change this up a little.

I've already met you, but there is a side of you I'd rather meet. It's that side that isn't suffering from heartbreak. The guy who takes his own advice. The one I don't have to remind to smile.
The you that once existed. But I'll never meet that man until she's gone and you're over her.
You say you are, you're in denial. I see it everytime you talk to me. I'm reminded you'll never let me in because now you're skeptic. Maybe one day you'll find out how much I genuinely care.

day 8 - a stranger

Oh stranger, I wonder what you think about when you see me. Do you ever wonder where I come from? Question who I am? Do you judge me because I don't look like you?
I question you. Where do you come from? What's your story? Do you love, dream, hope? If so, what?
Stranger, as you sit there, I wonder if we've met before. Maybe you're something so significant. Maybe I judged you wrong. Maybe we're old friends; maybe we'll be new friends.
Stranger, I look into your eyes and see what kind of person you are. I see your aura and feel your spirit. The warmth of your smile or the coldness of your heart.

"Stranger, if you passing meet me and desire to speak to me, why should you not speak to me? And why should I not speak to you?"
- Walt Whitman

Song of the moment

"Another night goes by without sleeping
'Cause I know I won't wake up next to you
Another life goes by without dreaming
And I can't help but think that mine will too

I'm standing before you with this label on my head
I'm pleading before you for you to understand

Baby it's you
When I look up in the sky I see you
Then I turn and close my eyes
It's you
When I'm sitting all alone in my room
Everything reminds me of you"
- It's You / Ryan Cabrera

Must I say anything else?

day 7 - your ex boyfriend/love/crush

We'll do all of them.
Since I've already talked about Dustin, we will skip him. After that..

Alexander Ruiz
You're the one I regret the most. I'm not exactly sure why. Our whole relationship confused me.
I don't know what attracted me to you, you werent extraordinary at anything, you're actually nothing I'm attracted to.
Maybe it was because you related to me better than other people.
I made the worst mistake I could have ever made. I had love, a man who treated me right, but I left him for a loser like you. Now, I kick myself in the ass for it. He didn't deserve it.):

Jordan Wilson
The one who really got inside my head. Until this day, I still don't understand how you did it.
I love you more than I think is humanly possible. Maybe that's why my insecurities get the best of me around you, I'm afraid to be replaced, forgotten. You're my best friend, to be honest it was hard to sleep without you. I had to eventually get over it because we are 3000 miles away, still doesn't suck any less. We didn't date too long, I made lame excuses about why we couldn't date, but ultimately i felt I couldnt be the one to ever make you feel true happiness. You needed something more than some insecure little girl.

Robert Kelley
Well, our relationship wasn't long, but significant. It was something that made the wait, the move, the adjustment to the east coast easier. You were always so sweet. Your daily little country song lyrics that would make any girl feel special. Our little video chat dates. Our little rook power rangers. I picked you out in the middle of a room, you were hard to miss. Late nights, those few nights before arrival day. Study dates. Our relationship ended with no harsh feelings, just an awkward tension.
<6 & infinity & beyond(: & last but certainly not least.

Cameron Demski
This one was by far the hardest. You were the long distance one. Not that I didn't do it before, but with you it was different. I got to explore the wonderful Chicago. It was a great city.
I found it hard to get over you, I have no idea why.
But I learned a lot about myself through our relationship. I get attached too easily & I move too fast. So I made a goal & I'm halfway done. I don't really have much else to say. I wish there was something more to write about.

It seems to me after the first I had one bad relationship after another (excluding Jordan), I learned my lessons, let's hope the next after 4/13/11 will be a good one

day 6 - your favorite internet friend

Aaron Jackson.
You are by far my favorite internet friend, the only one that I had enough courage to get in the car with. you have never stopped amazing me since then. You treated me like you knew me for years, it made shedding my shyness simple. Now you and Cali are moving, I came into the picture a little too late. Seeing the connection that you and all your friends, hearing what they have to say about you I'm in awe. You're all like family and they speak so highly of you. I got the privilege to meet such an incredible person, even for this short while.
Best of luck to you and cali in your new lives. If you ever need anything, don't hesitate to ask.<3

innerthoughts 2

I wonder if you read my eyes everytime a girl threw herself at you. Did you feel it? Could you sense how at ease I felt as you sat next to me? Just having your body so close. What made it worse you didn't move away. You felt comfort too.
I wonder if you noticed anytime I grabbed you, I didn't want to let go. Whenever your attention was on me, I felt an instant high & when you left I crashed. Sometimes it seemed you wanted my attention, any little thing.
Maybe I'm just reading into things.
Just so you know, I'm tortured knowing I'll only be just a friend.
If you haven't noticed already, I lied when I said I wasn't interested. I keep this blog away from you intentionally. Maybe one day you'll read and see how much I adore you. That'll be when I get the courage and both in the right state of mind. Who knows what will happen.

There's so much I can offer you. Give it a chance, you wont regret it.(:

day 5 - your dreams

this is a day early ;p
I'm not sure what it means by dreams, like aspirations or like my subconscious thoughts?
I don't understand you half the time. The other half, you terrify me, so I don't want to understand.
For instance, currently I have this recurring dream. Its like a story, each time it progresses a little forward. But the beginning, each time it has a different one of my exes. We are walking happy, but there is no romance to it. As we walk down a path they grab my hand and once we get down there the current person I like is standing there, waiting.. The ex takes my hand and places it in his, smiles, then walks away, disappearing into the shadows. Then it goes into snapshots of our life together. Dates, events, our developing life as one. I seriously wonder what it means.
Dreams are so complicated. And more often than not, you can't even remember them.
FTN.

Maybe I'll start a 'Dreamworks' post.
Hopefully someone will help me figure them out.

feedback 1

" I love this blog you started. Amazing the things you learn about people. The things you have to learn growing up help you be a much better person, setting you up to be successful. You are an awesome young lady Lani. Very touching these writings are."

- Stephanie Lemons

Thanks skanksluthoebiscuit(:

I don't post this stuff for anyone but myself. It helps me talk through my life, maybe to better understand it, come to terms with things I don't understand. It's only a plus that people better understand who I am because of this.

To all- I don't look for pity. I seek knowledge, encouragement, a friend. Please, I hope you all start something like this. Talk through your life, you never know what lessons you might learn.

day 4 - your siblings

Posting an hour early ;p

We will do this one at a time:

Christine- Noelle Hokulani DeForrest-
you've been in and out of my life for the past 4 years, I do believe. No words can explain what that did to me. Now, I find hypocrisy or double standards. Whatever you want to call it.
You left me for months at a time, but I'm not allowed to leave with my friends for a few hours without guilt. You're insecure about my friends. You feel that they're 'replacing' you. I don't believe that's possible. I can talk to them about different things, in different ways. Some things just can't be said to you.

You know I love you more than anything. You're the truest friend I've had EVER. We've always been close. I don't foresee it changing anytime soon. I know times have been tough, we are both on edge, but it happens. Life shappens. We, better than anybody, know that.
Just the few precious moments we spend laying in bed, talking about everything, talking about nothing mean the world to me. Somehow we will figure this out. We will be happier. Trust me, its going to change.



Dana Elaine Thompson -
Silly Bear(:
Oh my silly bear, you never stop amazing me. God gave me such wonderful gifts. I couldn't have asked for better.
As you may or may not know, I had no idea you were coming into this world. Mommy kept it a secret. I didn't meet you until you were two months old, I think. Mommy picked me up from school. I was a big bad tough fourth grader. Lani then is nothing compared to the Lani now.
I still see that picture, the first time I ever fell in love.
Now, you're away, it breaks my heart everyday, but I know its where you're safer. Better off, no matter how bad it sucks.
Some of the things you say and how strong you are make me question who raised you, and then I remember. Three of the strongest women to roam this earth.
Babygirl, keep your chin up. Keep going.



Daniel Alan Thompson
Bubboo(:
Oh dear. The man of my life.
You, my handsome little man, are the most like me. Sometimes I feel bad for you because of that. You have my attitude, my strength, my weaknesses.
For this short while, you have my job, protecting my baby girl while I'm not around.
You've taught me so much about myself. You help me better understand my emotions because now I'm watching them from the outside perspective.
You and your sister inspire me to be greater. To do things I never thought I could possibly accomplish. Yet I do because you two give me the courage to push my limits, expand the horizon. You two deserve so much more than you have, I swear to any supreme being that you guys will get it, get everything.
Forgive me for my weaknesses, I wish you got better ones.
I love you more than anything.

day 3 - your parents - part two: dad

Joseph Manaole Jr.

Daddy, for the longest time.. I wanted to hate you. I wanted nothing to do with you for the rest of my life, but things have changed. Complete 180.

I love the man who you've become. You're now a constant in my life now, funny ain't it? Things change you never know how, never know when, but when they do it completely blows your mind.
The old you used to sulk, drown each day in a 40.. or two. We never really spent 'quality' time. Now we are catching up, and then some.

You told me when we first started getting close that whenever we part you feel the air get sucked from your lungs. Daddy, I hate saying goodbye, my lungs get tense.

Go get 'em daddy. You're doing great.

day 3 - your parents - part one: mom

Michelle Marie DeForrest

Ma, I don't know what I could possibly say to you, yet I have a million things I should tell you.

You're my mom, but you're also so much more.
Your mistakes teach me, about life & sometimes about who I don't want to be. Your heart has proved to me that no matter how hard it rains, there will always be a rainbow after. Your love for people is inspiring, even when you're down on your own luck, you're always willing to do what you can. Often enough you gave the shirt off your back.

But then ma, sometimes it feels like I don't even know you. This is the addict. That's someone I don't know, nor do I want to. For a while, it was overrided the parent. And that was scary.

Mom, we lost the kids. From that moment, I couldn't stand looking at you, I played nice for Chrissy, I wanted to hate you. But seeing you as you started changing in program, my opinion has changed. I see the parent in you coming out. And I love it.

You've done a million wrongs by me; but you've also done a million and one rights. I hope someday this will all have been a minor speed bump in the road. Never forget how much I love you.

innerthoughts 1

Do you want to talk about pain?
I'll tell you a little about pain.

Have you ever had your heartbroken? Then had all of the shattered pieces flow through your blood stream hitting every inch of your being. Your body go into shock. Any movement hurts. Your lungs so tense, no amount of resuscitation can bring you back to life. Every thought is filled with every negative thing your mind can conjure.

No lost love could possibly hurt you this way. Then what could..?

What about losing everything you held dear?

I lost the only two people that ever showed me the purest, rarest form of love. Why? A serious of rather terrible events. First off, mom fell hard for an asshole. Asshole couldn't figure out what he wanted, asshole searched for ways to hurt my family. Asshole accomplished his goals, but asshole isn't going to win this one. Now, I'm fighting harder than I ever had before. I found something I want more than anything.

I'm going to win.

dustin michael johnson

you were my first love. & so far, my closest to ever being 'in love'. It's been a little over two years since we broke up, & now I'm finally beginning to understand everything.

I broke your heart, betrayed you. For what? Someone I consider the biggest mistake of my life.

I dedicated 3 years to you, some of the most wonderful times of my life. We did a lot of growing up together. A lot. The quiet girl & the kid who was so angry at life he didn't know what to do with himself. May 20, 2005; we went on our very first date. Driven by Brie, we drove to Mira Mesa (I never get that area right) and saw the Star wars Episode III. Words couldn't describe how incredibly nervous I was. The bunnies, the security guard, the existentialism of it all.

May 30, 2005; the day my life truly began. No matter how cliche it may seem, no day before this day truly mattered. This day marks the first day I truly knew how to smile, love, trust, feel. Everything a first love should teach, I learned ten fold.

Life together was incredible. We hit rough waters, but nothing that we couldn't overcome. Everyone wanted to be us, it was the purest form of love that one could find. It was two opposites coming together, growing, changing..

You taught me so much during our time together. I learned to accept myself, I developed a voice, a style. I can't possibly thank you enough for what you helped me become.

We'll skip ahead to post break up. Senior year. What a great year, we ran the battalion, drill teams, got ready to go to college. We even flew cross country together. You found new love, I found jealousy. I don't think I ever really hated her, of course she had traits I found rather annoying, but we were once friends. I've come to find out I was so harsh out of lord knows what.. jealousy? Envy? If I'm the one who broke it off, how come I came out the miserable one? It wasn't fair to you & now, I don't even have you in my life.

Then I left to school, you were so proud of me. We video chatted as often as possible, you saw me shrink (most exciting part), you saw me doing it on my own. When it came to your growth, it seemed I couldn't care less, maybe it was still those feelings carrying on. You got fed up and removed me from your life, now I feel it. it hurts, but i don't blame you, not for one minute. Maybe we can be friends again. Now that I acknowledge all of all this, you might give me another chance.

I love you & always. You can never forget your first love.

written works 1

He called himself a broken man;
Love ripped out his heart,
& life left it in pieces.
He said, "my smile is broken."
"I can't hold my head up.
I've lost my way."
"Won't somebody save me?"

She was a broken girl;
Life tore out her heart,
& love shattered it to pieces,
She said, "I've forgotten how to smile."
"I've fallen & I can't get up,
not a prayer can save me now."
"Is there anyone out there?"

Funny how life works,
In such mysterious ways,
Faithful to destiny,
Directed by fate.

The broken man came across a broken girl;

He, ever so subtle, handed her the pieces;
With a gentle glance, "it seems to me you have."
A smile made its way to her lips, as if it never left.

"You, sir, have a piece missing, I see.
You've been fortunate enough to cross my path.
It seems to me, I have an extra piece here, you see?"
Ever so timid, she placed the missing piece in place.
With his heart whole, his smile mended,
He found his way.

Funny how life works;
In such mysterious ways.
Loyal to hope.
Guided by love.

She was a broken girl;
Life tore out her heart,
& love left it in pieces.
"A broken man heard my call,
He lifted me up,
& showed me how to smile"

He once called himself a broken man;
Love ripped out his heart,
& life left it in pieces.
"I came across a broken girl,
She taught me how to hold my head high,
I've found my way. She saved me."

& its funny how life works.

day 2 - your crush

Alberto Pena Limon Jr.

Querido, I don’t know what brought me to you. But you should know, I’m going crazy about you.
Before you came around, I couldn’t remember how to smile. Then you introduced the smile Nazi & the smile hasn’t left since. I read back to the first messages over my yearbook, they make me smile. When I first saw you, I felt like I knew you, even though you used to work for LP for vons, I doubt that’s it.
I think its something greater than that.
Why does everything seem to match up? Our timing, in sync.
When you walked into my life, it was crumbling, I no longer felt the need to do anything but sulk. You found me & put the pieces back together again.
I never want to sleep anymore, because talking to you seems like such a better use of time. Reality is better than dreams. But when I do dream, its your face. Then sleeping doesn’t seem so bad.
You pull the friend card. It’s like a dagger in my heart. Then, to make it worse.. you said little sister. Ohh lord.
You remind me of everything good in my life.
But you’ll never know how I feel, its almost like I don’t exist.
It’s not like I’ll tell you any of this either, its just noise.
Maybe one day..
Querido, I like you. I want to help you forget about her, about the pain. I want to remind you about the good things, I want to show you romance, love, happiness.
I never want you to hurt again & with me you never will.
But yet, you’ll still never know. But I can’t say I never said anything, its right here.
No matter the outcome, I’m here for your downfall, your triumphs, tears, or the smiles. Always here, never forget that.

day 1 - best friend

Andrew Lemons

You, sir, have affected my life in incredible ways. Meeting at vons the few times we hung out, prom, and our countless texts & phone calls. Now, you're gone. Washington, not far, but far enough. I feel the distance.

I love you, for everything you are. You remind me of simple things I should appreciate. You inspire me, you motivate me. Your family, so close.
Now you're gone, you're so busy. I never really get to talk to you, but once I see your name on my phone, my heart smile instantly.
Picture tag until odd hours, devil wears prada, my big bad wolf, spam musubi.
You're my other half. there's no doubt about it silleh sir lemons. No doubt.

ohello thurr(:

With hopes of getting into my own head, I thought this blog might help me 'process' through my thoughts.
To start off, I decided to take a 30 day challenge. There's no guarantee how consistent I'll be, but as long as I get them done, thats all that matters, correct?

With each blog I'll write to/about one of the following people
Day 1 — Your Best Friend
Day 2 — Your Crush
Day 3 — Your parents
Day 4 — Your sibling(s) (or closest relative)
Day 5 — Your dreams
Day 6 — Your favorite internet friend
Day 7 — Your Ex-boyfriend/girlfriend/love/crush
Day 8 — A stranger
Day 9 — Someone you wish you could meet
Day 10 — Someone you don’t talk to as much as you’d like to
Day 11 — A Deceased person you wish you could talk to
Day 12 — The person you hate most/caused you a lot of pain
Day 13 — Someone you wish could forgive you
Day 14 — Someone you’ve drifted away from
Day 15 — The person you miss the most
Day 16 — Someone that’s not in your state/country
Day 17 — Someone from your childhood
Day 18 — The person that you wish you could be
Day 19 — Someone that pesters your mind—good or bad
Day 20 — The one that broke your heart the hardest
Day 21 — Someone you judged by their first impression
Day 22 — Someone you want to give a second chance to
Day 23 — The last person you kissed
Day 24 — The person that gave you your favorite memory
Day 25 — The person you know that is going through the worst of times
Day 26 — The last person you made a pinky promise to
Day 27 — The friendliest person you knew for only one da
Day 28 — Someone that changed your life
Day 29 — The person that you want tell everything to, but too afraid to
Day 30 — Your reflection in the mirror